There is Such Thing as Too Much "Love"...

Written By Guest User

What makes a relationship healthy or unhealthy?

The month of February has a lot to do with relationships! At Freedom 4/24, our prevention efforts include educating people on what makes a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner are: 

  • Communicating

  • Respectful 

  • Trusting of one another

  • Honest 

  • Equal

  • Enjoying personal time away from each other

  • Making mutual choices

  • Practicing consent 

  • Respecting boundaries

Knowing the signs of a healthy relationship is important and knowing the signs of an unhealthy one is even more important. Generally speaking, here are a few characteristics of an unhealthy partner:

  • Not communicating

  • Disrespectful 

  • Not trusting of you

  • Dishonest  

  • Tries to take control 

  • Only wants to spend time with with you

  • Pressuring you into activities/decisions 

  • Ignores boundaries or “they just can’t help themself”

Adapted from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 

Both giving and receiving time together, compliments, and gifts are a normal part of most relationships, however, when these become extreme, it can be an early sign of manipulation or “grooming”, especially in the case of a fast-moving relationship. 

It is important to note this process of “grooming” here.

GROOMING is a term used to describe the gradual process by which an abusive partner or trafficker gains control and manipulates an individual, preparing them for further abuse.

As described by the Polaris Project, “Traffickers are experts at finding those moments when people are vulnerable, of working the angles, of manipulating reality and leveraging fears.”

While you may not be in a trafficking situation, unhealthy relationships can be a slippery slope toward further abuse and exploitation if not identified early on. 

The two types of attachment, which are often a part of an unhealthy relationship, described here are called “love bombing” and “trauma bonding.” 


LOVE BOMBING, a form of grooming, occurs when the pursuer in a relationship showers an individual with loving words, actions, and behavior as a manipulation technique.

Licensed Family and Marriage counselor, Sherin Paykar, MA, explains “It’s often used to win over your trust and affection so that they can meet a goal of theirs.”

It is very important to look out for signs of grooming and love bombing in your own relationships as well as those of your close friends. As a friend, it is common that you can “see something” that they cannot. 

Here are some examples of “love bombing” style grooming to look out for: 

  1. Over the top compliments like “You are the answer to all my prayers,” “No one can ever compare to you,” or “You are perfect; my life would be nothing without you.”

  2. Constant use of the words “soulmate,” “other half,” or “i love you” being used within the first couple of weeks could be a red flag. 

  3. Communication is intense in the relationship. Lots of communication is typical for a new relationship because there is a lot to talk about and everything is exciting! But, feeling overwhelmed by their texts, calls, and messages during the day is unusual, especially if it makes the other person feel extremely uneasy or guilty for not responding. 

  4. Expensive gifts are being given to you early on in a relationship. These can act as a “smoke screen” for abusive behavior or validate harsh treatment later. This could sound like: “I bought this, so you have to do what I say” or “I pay your bills, don’t talk to me like that.” Examples could include: purchasing tickets for international trips, pricey jewelry, designer handbags, or offering financial support for rent or utilities without prompting. 

  5. They want all of your time and may show irritation, anger, or request that you no longer give your time to friends, family, or others. Priorities and commitments may need to shift when you enter a new romantic relationship, but time away from each other is necessary for any healthy relationship. 

Adapted from Raypole, 2020.

An unhealthy relationship is not necessarily an abusive one, but anyone who has experienced abuse and/or trauma earlier in life is far more susceptible to what is known as “trauma bonding.”

 

According to Raypole (2020), “People who experienced abuse in childhood feel drawn to similar relationships in adulthood, since the brain already recognizes the highs and lows of the cycle.” The abusive cycle is familiar, and not yet knowing how to live without it is often how it continues.

TRAUMA BONDING, also known as “Stockholm Syndrome,” is when a partner and abuser forms or fosters an emotional attachment (“friendship,” “love,” etc.) in the life of a victim which makes an individual more susceptible to abuse and/or grooming in a relationship.

A trauma bond is a common experience for those who have been traumatized or abused in the past and a classic tactic abusers use to maintain their position of exploitation. 

Relationships built on a trauma bond usually have these main characteristics: 

  1. Are cyclical in nature, meaning they depend on intermittent reinforcement, or abuse. This cycle will be a combination of both abusive and “loving” behavior, meaning the abuser does, at times, treat you well. After each occasion of abuse, the abuser professes love and regret, trying to make the relationship “feel safe and needed” (Resnick, 2021). For a victim, this is confusing and disarming. 

  2. Have a power imbalance. These bonds have an uneven distribution of control, making it difficult to leave the relationship at all. You may feel controlled and unhappy in the relationship, but it's emotionally distressing to think about ending things. If and when you express the desire to leave the relationship, abusers will often commit to empty promises of change. You, too, likely hope there is a way to “make it work.” You hope that you will be able to successfully change them and their behaviors. Even if the relationship ended, the trauma bond would likely keep you feeling lost without your partner. (Raypole, 2020) 

  3. Revolve around the “good days.” Looking at the good days in order to rationalize the bad ones is very common in any unhealthy relationship, whether abusive or not. Knowing that your partner is not “always bad,” you may hesitate to share those “bad days,” incidents, or fights with anyone. You may find yourself defending or justifying your partner’s (or abuser’s) unacceptable behavior to others when they express concern. 

Adapted from Raypole, 2020.

If you are not in an unhealthy relationship, but you know someone who may be, it is important to remain aware of these potential complexities as you attempt to speak into a seemingly unhealthy relationship. 

It is imperative that we all know the signs of unhealthy relationships because you never know when it could come up, who it could affect, or who may need help. 

Everyone is deserving of healthy relationships, including you. 

Guest User
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