Dear Mom and Dad, Your Child Is Scared To Disappoint You
Contributing author : Kaitlyn Savage, Freedom 4/24 intern
53% of 12- to 17-year-olds are "very" or "extremely" concerned about disappointing their parents. Only 3% are not concerned at all.
Fear and Rejection
When children are born, parents do all that they can to make sure their child lives a better life than the one they did, and they hope the child later becomes a better person for it. However, children grow into young adults, and young adults experiment, make mistakes, and learn. Experimentation amongst young adults is common and expected. However, there usually is not a clear line of communication that indicates such experimentation is normal between parents and their children. Whether or not parents want their child to experiment, it does happen.
When the line of communication is absent between parents and children, alongside a series of expectations for the child, the child fears making a mistake. If the child makes a mistake, they fear telling their parents about it more.
A child’s fear in disappointing their parents is due to three reasons:
Fear their parents’ image of them will be distorted. Fear that the parent will think of them as not good enough.
Fear of punishment.
Fear of rejection.
A child fears punishment when they do wrong. There is no argument. However, when it comes to a child’s fear of disappointment, rejection is more intimidating. A child fears that, for their choices, they will not be accepted. They fear that they will be dismissed. A child scared to disappoint their parents is a child who wants to be reminded that they’re safe and loved.
Transparency
“My Parents Wouldn’t Understand” “I’ll Get In Trouble”
You want your child to be transparent with you. Are you transparent with your child?
Children don’t want to make choices or mistakes that would disappoint their parents because they believe that their parents didn’t make those same choices or mistakes when they were younger. Whether or not you made the exact same choices or mistakes, you did make mistakes as a young adult. You’re human. Your child needs to know that.
Without great detail that crosses the line between parent and friend, let your child know you, too, were once a young adult. If you feel comfortable, tell them a story about a time you did something fun with your friends while you were in high school. This lets your child feel less alone in their choices, which then lets them feel less alone in talking about their choices as a young adult. Transparency and openness can be your greatest tool when it comes to parenting.
Your transparency results in your child’s transparency.
Why Is Making a Safe Place For Your Child to Talk to You Important?
Let’s talk about Falon’s story. Falon was a teenager when she began to get texts from a guy. It started out innocent but didn’t stay that way—he began to lie about his age and the content he messaged her became inappropriate. Falon knew it wasn’t right, and she could have kept it from her mom for fear of disappointing her. Instead, Falon felt safe enough to come to her mom and tell her what had been happening. Her mom called the cops, the man was arrested, and he made his intentions very clear: he was either going to rape and kill Falon or traffic her in another country.
This is why the parent child relationship is important in the fight against exploitation and trafficking.
Next Steps To Protect
DFO
Apply the posture to your parenting DFO - Don’t Freak Out. Kids will do things where you naturally want to FREAK OUT from their behavior. You may have all kinds of rules for your kids, but make it a rule for yourself to not freak out when they come to you. This brings disconnection with your kids and apprehension in confiding in you.
COMPOSE
Parents, put a plan in place for yourself if you find that your child has been exploring with pornography.
Culture Reframed gives the acronym COMPOSE for parents.