How to talk to teenagers about exploitation and online safety.
The reality of exploitation and what we need to know as parents.
Exploitation is a part of our world. It’s just a reality. Red-light districts and brothels. Remote villages housing impoverished families selling their daughters to men willing to pay for sex. Establishments welcoming individuals to see women display their bodies for tips. All of these are devastating examples of exploitation; however, exploitation is happening in our homes every day. Exploitation is bad enough when it touches the lives of adults, but when children are also exposed, then it hits us parents between the eyes… or should anyway.
What does exploitation look like in our homes?
A study done by Common Sense Media and reported by CNN, states that Youth are online 7 hours a day on average (and that’s pre-quarantine data!). In 2019 the CyberTipline, operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children received more than 16.9 million reports, most of which related to: apparent child sexual abuse material; online enticement, including sextortion; child sex trafficking; and child sexual molestation.
Whew, ok, breathe parents! We have got this—but let’s be sure we have ALL the information at hand.
COVID-19 and Dangers of Exploitation
Currently we are in a state of social distancing with the global outbreak of COVID-19. Schools are closed and individuals are more isolated. Isolation can lead us into exploration—some good and some not-so-good. And here we find ourselves entering the topic of porn. Research indicates the average age a child is exposed to pornography is 11 years old. Pornhub is reportedly the world’s largest source for pornography—claiming to host 7,000 watching years of pornographic content. Exodus Cry, an organization working to change the over-sexualization of culture and responsible for producing the impactful documentary, Nefarious, shared: “In what Pornhub is describing as an act of love, they are offering their premium services free of charge to those living in Italy, France and Spain. How nice of them.”
In addition, research done by Google Analytics and reported by Protect Young Minds indicates the skyrocketing of pornography views when children are out of school—a startling 4700% . With the recent COVID-19 quarantining Susie Hargreaves of the Internet Watch Foundation (IWF) warns,
“More people alone in their homes, and more people spending longer online sadly means we are likely to see more people stumbling across criminal material involving child sexual abuse on the internet. We are also expecting criminals to be more active on the internet during the coming months.”
She also shares that about ⅓ of all known child sexual abuse content the IWF finds has actually been posted by children themselves. Most likely these children have been groomed to accept and post this material (potentially by porn they’ve viewed on their own, pressure from peers or an abuser forcing them to video themselves) . Of this material, IWF claims that over 75% features girls, ages 11-13 years old. And yes, this is being recorded IN OUR HOMES, parents.
Some youth also find themselves being asked for nude pics from peers or even individuals they don’t know from their social media, gaming systems, or complete strangers they meet on any online platform. These inappropriate images are referred to as “sexts”. Platforms such as Snapchat and Teen Vogue are encouraging students to sext during the COVID-19 outbreak, sharing tips on how to sext effectively and that sexting takes practice. The JAMA Network (Journal of the American Medical Association) collected data on sexting and shares that 1 in 4 students receives a sext, 1 in 7 sends a sext, and 1 in 8 students report they have forwarded a sext to another individual.
Whew, that was a lot.
So, where do we go from here?
The thought of sitting down with your teen and talking about things like sexting, pornography, and their social media can seem overwhelming, daunting, and I’m sure the thought of ‘It would be easier to not even go there” has run through your mind.
Taking an assessment of where your child and your family is with the use of online content and social media is much like getting on the scale. We may realize, “Hmm, my pants are kind of feeling tight, I am looking fat in every picture I see of myself, and I am out of breath when I go up my driveway to get the mail.” We can either step on the scale and truly assess our pants size or we can keep continuing in our behaviors of overeating and laziness. When we step on the scale, the truth will prevail! We realize the impact of our decisions, right? But first, you have to get on the scale (and yes I know I know not all health is measured by the scale). And so similarly, we must step on the scale and take an assessment of how we are doing as parents by starting to talk to our teens about issues like sexting, pornography, and social media.
Ask yourself these questions first:
Does my child isolate in their room with their phone?
How much time do they spend online?
Do they have full access to everything online?
Do I know the password to their phone?
How does your child respond if you pick up their phone?
Are my kids interacting with others through online gaming platforms?
Does my child have their location settings turned off?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your child is involved in online exploitation, but it may indicate that you need to have a discussion and perhaps set some boundaries with your teen. Parents of young middle schoolers, do it now before they even get a phone. It’s easier to set boundaries in the beginning than to have no boundaries and try to establish them further down the road.
If you answered yes to all of these questions, I recommend that you ask yourself: “What is it that I want for our family and my child?” “How can I set some boundaries in our home to encourage them to use their device in a non-isolating, safe way?” Then do the HARD thing (remember getting on the scale analogy?) and have the starting conversation with your child. And then KEEP having conversations with your child. This shouldn’t be a one-and-done conversation—check in with them and talk with them about this in an open dialogue. Be ready to meet your teen with grace.
Meet Your Child Where They Are
Over the years, I have learned to not overreact to my children with words, but I am still working on reacting facially. My face shows everything I am thinking. Remember yourself at their age and chances are you did not have to navigate the things our youth are navigating. You probably made plenty of mistakes too at their age—it just looks different.
Meet your child where they are at without judgement. Even share some of your own mistakes (Yes, you are human and it’s good to talk about this appropriately with your child). If we have conversations that are dialogue and open it will most likely open the door for future conversations when they navigate tough situations.
At this parenting season with teens, we should be guardrails. Help them stay on the road to safety, healthy relationships and away from exploitation.
Playing ostrich, parents, doesn’t allow you the opportunity to protect your family, restore what has been broken, and open the dialogue with your teen. Imagine the trust that can be built within our families from having these open and vulnerable conversations.
Ideas to GET THE CONVERSATION STARTED:
Watch these videos TOGETHER with your teen:
Our friends over at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children created the following videos on sexting and meeting up with someone in person that you met online .
You can also watch this impactful documentary together, Brain Heart World, from Fight the New Drug –an organization that educates individuals on how pornography impacts the brain, relationships, and issues that our world faces each day.
“Fight the New Drug” has also created a resource for parents to walk through step by step on how to have a conversation with their child on pornography.
Other Resources :
PDF “Parents Guide to Smartphone Safety”
PDF “Social Media Safety for Teens”
Protecting our kids- living in a porn culture - Podcast
Fortify APP- was designed to equip individuals struggling with compulsive pornography use – young and old – with tools, education, and community to assist them in reaching lasting freedom. Ninety percent of users have found they are viewing pornography less with the use of this app.
Proven Men Family Defense Course - currently in BETA phase. This class is designed to Educate, Empower, and Equip families to set up strong foundations of sexual integrity within their homes.
Faith Towles is a wife, mom, and Director of Programs as Freedom 4/24, where she orchestrates and runs programs and events to support our domestic and international partners while also bringing education and awareness to those in our backyard. Faith and her husband, Luke, enjoy early morning coffee dates and raising their three energetic and fun-loving kids: Tyler, Savannah, and Camrey.